Exhaustipated

I wish I could take credit for that brilliant little word, but I found it on Facebook yesterday - and quite fitting.  I've been up every night, coughing up a lung from some postnasal drainage, so my AMAZING husband decided to let me get some much-needed rest.  I went to bed at 9:30 last night - and didn't get up until 10:30 this morning!!  Needless to say we missed church, but I can definitely say I feel a WHOLE LOT better!!

The last few months have been quite busy and many things have been going on... I'm still trying to sort it all out.  I've met with the counselor at my school a few times.  I've found out that I don't have a fear of failure, but I do have a fear of success.  Who would've thought?  Which explains why I have trouble finishing things I start.  And why I procrastinate on some things.  Or commit self-sabatoge.  Like with Weight Watchers before and TOPS now... I was doing so well, and now I've started backsliding again, making excuses and getting lazy about what I SHOULD be doing.

I've checked a few things off my list, though, with the help of the counselor.

I've applied to Walden University for my Master's degree - MBA self-designed with focus on Project Management and Leadership.

I've also taken the first steps towards becoming truly self-employed.  Actually, I have my first consult with a client tomorrow.  I figured out what I want to do and how I can help people.  My business is to help people get their homes - and their lives - organized and under control.  Each client is like taking on a new 'project.'  I'm pretty excited!!!  I need to come up with a business name though.....

I had to push back my AAS degee completion to next semester now, though.  With Scrappy losing his insurance, I've been extremely overwhelmed with the amount of paperwork I need to do to try to get him on disability.  As a result, I've let a couple classes slide.. and now will need to retake them later :( 

I'm still kinda tired today.... thinking I should go to bed.  Hopefully I have the time (and energy) to update more soon!!!!

A Sign From Above

Today was a TOPS day - and the second to last weigh in for the year.  I'm in that area that is 'dangerous territory' for me.  Yeah, I gained the last 2 weigh ins before this one - a little over 4 pounds in 2 weeks.  This week I LOST 2 pounds - yay!!  As of Dec 1, I was down a total of 26.25 pounds, but I was also just back to TOPS and just starting to recover from my surgery and had dropped 20 pounds in about 2 weeks (not exactly healthy even considering I had just had a baby!!)  My goal for this year is to be at the -25 pound mark at the end of the year.  At Weight Watchers, I had a difficult time when I got close to the 25 pound mark - I kinda freaked myself out and blew it.  I don't know why.  I think maybe I'm afraid of success?  It happens often when I get close to some big accomplishment.  Self sabotage.

I haven't had the best day today, but it hasn't been the worst either.  Beau is home from school for Winter Break.  She goes back on Jan 3.  I am looking forward to sleeping in a bit.  I'm exhausted today!!  I didn't get my workout in.  I have been doing it in the morning, but this morning was too busy.  And by the time I got home this afternoon, I was too exhausted.  I guess I stayed up too late last night working :(

After TOPS, I had some errands to run before going to pick up the kids and hubby.  Then we went to the cemetery to visit our Little Warrior and to take his beautiful Christmas wreath out.  A good friend from TOPS decorated it for us.

I know he was watching over us today... he gave us a sign.  The cemetery where he is buried - near much of my family - is on it's own road on the North side of town.  The road does not lead anywhere else.  Today has been quite a cloudy day, but as we turned onto the cemetery road, the sun came out from behind the clouds.  I looked at my husband and told him that I know our Little Warrior was watching over us and knows that we were there.  In spite of the biting cold wind, the sun stayed out until we left there.  Honestly, it gave me a peace.  I know it's only his physical body there at the cemetery, but I felt a lot closer to him there.  We are going to my grandma's for Christmas Day, so we are going to stop out there to wish him a Merry Christmas too.  Here are some pictures of my angel during his brief stay here on earth....

Isn't that just the proudest looking Daddy??  I remember the look on his face very clearly when the doctor held our little guy up.... in spite of the scrubs and surgical mask (emergency c-section), I could tell my dear husband was very proud and was smiling so large.

He is my best friend and the most amazing man I could ever ask for :)  If I had to go through all of this, there's no one I'd rather have by my side than him <3

I don't know if it's because of our loss and the struggles we've been going through, or if aliens have abducted my husband and replaced him with a facsimile, or what exactly, but I'm not going to complain.  He has been a lot more attentive/cuddly/loving towards me lately.  Yeah, we snuggle at night and in the morning a little, but usually not too much.  He says he's not a 'huggy/kissy type of person."  But lately it seems he's become much more affectionate and doesn't mind PDAs as much as he used to.  Who is he and what has he done with MY husband?? haha!!  Shhh - I didn't say that!  I like it and I hope it lasts!!!