Reminiscing

It seems that we've been doing a lot of this lately.  Reminiscing.  Thinking about and remembering the past.  One thing in particular.

Baden.

His name has been coming up a lot lately.  His birthday is a little over a month away.  So is the anniversary of his passing.  My Little Warrior would have been 2 this year.

Scrappy has been missing him a lot.  When we talk about the baby that we're expecting in the spring, he asks about Baden.  When is Baden coming home?  When do I get to play with Baden?  Is this baby going to be like Baden.  We spend time gently reminding him that no, Baden is not coming home.  This baby is not Baden.  This is a new little baby.  

When will I get to see Baden?   You will get to see him when you are much, much older.  When it is your time to go to heaven, you will get to see him and spend time with him and play with him.

At the gas station today, a lady I know asked how many kids I have now.  This is always a tricky question.  But I answer 3 with 1 on the way.  She told me how she couldn't imagine what we'd gone through, and about how many people have judged my husband and myself because of Baden's passing.  Because of our decision to end his suffering and take him off life support.  Until you're in that position, you never know what you'd do.  I didn't think we'd ever be able to.

But if you knew your child was suffering?  If you knew the next seizure could be the one that kills him?  That the doctors told you it was just a matter of time, because there was nothing more you could do for him?  You'd done everything, prayed every prayer for him, and he was only worsening, what would you do?

We did what we thought was the right thing.  We took him off life support.  If God wanted to take him to be an angel to watch over us, we would accept it and let him go with as little pain as possible.  If God had chosen to grant us a miracle, we would take that too.

Sometimes, I guess, we just have to trust that God knows what He is doing and has a plan for us.  We have to believe that there is a reason He decides to call our little ones back home before we are ready to let them go.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't ask myself if we made the right decision.  I still feel awful that I made my husband decide when it was time, but I knew deep down I couldn't do it.  But I still have a million questions.

If we would have waited, would things have turned around?

If I hadn't signed to have the central line moved, would we still have lost him?

Should we have taken the doctors at their word, or should we have researched things further before saying yes (even though many of decisions were made split-second)?

Should we have said yes to the autopsy?

Is there anything we could have done differently? 

Could we have prevented this?

Is this Karma, or from not being as strong in my faith as I once was?

So many questions.  I wish someone had the answers.  I wish I knew things would not have come out differently - that this is how it was all supposed to come out in the end.  I know there is nothing I can do now to change the past, but I can honor my son by remembering him always and remember what a blessing he was in my life.

And I must forgive myself and let the guilt go.



The Angel with the Book of Life
Wrote down my baby's birth.
As he close the book, he said,
"Too beautiful for Earth."